Walking in the Fiery Furnace of Oppression

And they walked in the midst of the fire, praising God, and blessing the Lord.
Then Azarias stood up, and prayed on this manner; and opening his mouth in the midst of the fire said,
Blessed art thou, O Lord God of our fathers: thy name is worthy to be praised and glorified for evermore:
For thou art righteous in all the things that thou hast done to us: yea, true are all thy works, thy ways are right, and all thy judgments truth.
Yet deliver us not up wholly, for thy name's sake, neither disannul thou thy covenant:
And cause not thy mercy to depart from us, for thy beloved Abraham's sake, for thy servant Issac's sake, and for thy holy Israel's sake;
To whom thou hast spoken and promised, that thou wouldest multiply their seed as the stars of heaven, and as the sand that lieth upon the seashore.
For we, O Lord, are become less than any nation, and be kept under this day in all the world because of our sins.
Neither is there at this time prince, or prophet, or leader, or burnt offering, or sacrifice, or oblation, or incense, or place to sacrifice before thee, and to find mercy.
Nevertheless in a contrite heart and an humble spirit let us be accepted.
Like as in the burnt offerings of rams and bullocks, and like as in ten thousands of fat lambs: so let our sacrifice be in thy sight this day, and grant that we may wholly go after thee: for they shall not be confounded that put their trust in thee.
And now we follow thee with all our heart, we fear thee, and seek thy face.
Put us not to shame: but deal with us after thy lovingkindness, and according to the multitude of thy mercies.
Deliver us also according to thy marvellous works, and give glory to thy name, O Lord: and let all them that do thy servants hurt be ashamed;
- The Song of the Three Young Men 2-4, 11-20
The Appointed Old Testament Reading for the Tuesday in the Third Week of Lent

The story of the deliverance of the Three Young Men from the fiery furnace was a favorite of mine as a child. You may recall that the story is set in Babylon- where the Jews had been taken into captivity. King Nebuchadnezzar had built a gaint golden idol- presumably of himself- and decreed that every person was to bow down and pay homage to the image. Azariah, Hananiah, and Mishael- perhaps better known by their Babylonian names, Abed-nego, Shadrach, and Meshach- defied the King's orders, refused to bow down before the idol, and proclaimed that they would serve G-d alone. King Nebuchadnezzar threatened to throw them into a fiery furnace and burned alive if they did not obey his command. But the three young men refused to bow to the king's false idol, and committed themselves to their G-d, even if G-d did not deliver them.

The King ordered that the furnace be heated seven times hotter than usual, and the three men were bound and thrown into the furnace. The fire was so hot, that the men who threw Abed-nego, Shadrach, and Meshach into the furnace were overcome and killed by the fire. The Three men were unharmed, presumably from the beginning, and eventually the king noticed that the three men were waking freely and unharmed in the furnace with a "fourth man" that appeared to be "like a son of the gods." The king ordered that the men be removed from the furnace, and seeing that they were unharmed, Nebuchadnezzar also blessed their G-d for sending an angel to deliver the Three Young Men from their fiery death.

The appointed reading for today is the prayer that Azariah prays as the three are thrown into the furnace. In this prayer he praises G-d, confesses the sins of his people, and asks for G-d to liberate G-d's people from their oppression. G-d hears the prayer and the Angel of the Lord comes into the furnace, drives the flames out of the furnace and makes "the midst of the furnace like a moist whistling wind..." so that the fire could not hurt them at all (v.27).

What fascinates me the most about this story is the complete trust that these men had in G-d. Even if G-d did not or could not deliver them from the flames, they would continue to serve G-d in faithfulness; they would offer themselves as a sacrifice on behalf of others who were in need of G-d's liberating mercy. Now setting aside our discomfort with the thought of offering oneself as a human sacrifice to G-d in order to gain G-d's favor for others (which is not exactly what is being implied here - I don't think-) the underlying thought is a beautifully powerful one.... There is great liberating power in offering one's own sufferings to God so that God can transform the sorrow in our heart and enable our brokenness to be a conduit for healing to others. Herein lies the mysterious power of the Cross and the sufferings of our Lord Jesus Christ, and when I can join my suffering to Christ's sufferings, then I can also somehow participate in the work that God is doing through Christ's sufferings to transform the world.

As a gay man living hidden in a society and a church that wants to pretend that I do not exist (that is that faithful, holy gay Christians exist) or worse persecutes me, maligns me, oppresses me and throws me daily into their fiery furnaces of hate, I find some comfort in the knowledge that- as i await the day of liberation- God will transform the pain of my life and create something good from it. It still amazes me how the Holy Spirit is able to take what is meant for evil and to change everything so that something holy and life-giving emerges which renews everyone- but I have seen that change occur in my own life- and I believe that in G-d's time, this same Spirit will bring forth the new creation that Jesus inaugurated in his death and resurrection. I even hope- and pray each day- that the Holy Spirit will transform the pain of closeted gay Christians, the pain of faithful companions who are denied the most basic human rights, and the pain of gays who are mistreated, assaulted and martyred so that the hearts of even the most hate-filled homophobes will be changed into hearts that receive the love of God and recognize the Christ present in every other human being.

So, on this day, I offer the darkness of this closet and the pain that the Church asks me to bear to God as an oblation and a sacrifice, an offering given with a contrite and humble heart, asking God to accept this suffering on behalf of those who walk in darkness and who hide in closets created by their own fears, hatred and prejudice... I pray that God would transform all of our sufferings and bring liberation to us all. I pray that God will give me the grace to turn the cheek, to forgive seventy-times seven, and to live a life worthy of the Gospel of the liberating love of Jesus Christ- the grace that will liberate me from my prison and the grace that will liberate the homophobes from theirs.

Introduction

“Oh cruel, cruel!” I wailed. “Is it nothing to you that you leave me here alone? Psyche; did you ever love me at all?”
“Love you? Why, Maia, what have I ever had to love save you and our grandfather the Fox?” (But I did not want her to bring even the Fox in now.) “But, Sister, you will follow me soon. You don’t think any mortal life seems a long thing to me tonight? And how would it be better if I had lived? I suppose I should have been given to some king in the end—perhaps such another as our father. And there you can see again how little difference there is between dying and being married. To leave your home—to lose you, Maia, and the Fox—to lose one’s maidenhead—to bear a child—they are all deaths. Indeed, indeed, Orual, I am not sure that this which I go to is not the best.”
“This!”
“Yes. What had I to look for if I lived? Is the world—this palace, this father—so much to lose? We have already had what would have been the best of our time. I must tell you something, Orual, which I never told to anyone, not even you.”
I know now that this must have been so even between the lovingest hearts. But her saying it that night was like stabbing me.
“What is it?” said I, looking down at her lap where our four hands were joined.
“This,” she said, “I have always—at least, ever since I can remember—had a kind of longing for death.”
“Ah, Psyche,” I said, “have I made you so little happy as that?”
“No, no, no,” she said. “You don’t understand. Not that kind of longing. It was when I was happiest that I longed most. It was on happy days when we were up there on the hills, the three of us, with the wind and the sunshine… where you couldn’t see Glome or the palace. Do you remember? The colour and the smell, and looking across the Grey Mountain in the distance? And because it was so beautiful, it set me longing, always longing. Somewhere else there must be more of it. Everything seemed to be saying, Psyche, come! But I couldn’t (not yet) come and I didn’t know where I was to come to. It almost hurt me. I felt like a bird in a cage when the other birds of its kind are flying home.”
Till We Have Faces / Lewis, C.S. / pt.1 ch.7

Seven years ago I was ordained a priest in the Episcopal Church. I hadn't been raised in the Episcopal Church- or even a liturgical church for that matter- but I was drawn to the beauty of the Prayer Book, the richness of the sacramental life, and the strength of catholic devotion. I am an Anglo-Catholic- albeit the affirming sort- and I am often asked if I was a Roman priest who decided to become an Anglican. I am also gay. My sexual orientation should be of little interest to anyone, except for the fact that I am also partnered to a beautiful man (also anglo-catholic and beginning his own journey towards holy orders) with whom I am forbidden to fully love- according to the current policy of the diocese in which I currently serve. So, I live in the closet- unable to live and serve Christ openly with my soul mate; unable even to walk with integrity down the hallways of the church in which I minister; unable to be known- truly known- as the person God created me to be.

I serve in a diocese where the bishop has chosen not to know whether or not there are gay clergy within his diocese- in fact I think he is convinced that gay clergy only exist in California and New Hampshire. He has created a "don't ask, don't policy" by which one is free to privately live one's life as one chooses.... as long as one doesn't wish to share a non-heterosexual relationship with the community. What hurts the most that is that this diocese thinks that it is holier to practice promiscuity- as long as it happens in secret- than to live in a holy, monogamous relationship with a person of the same gender openly. And because of this twisted sense of morality (although we all know that this comes from fear and cowardice, and not any sort of attempt to inculcate discipleship- nevermind faithfulness to ordination vows), I am forced to live in darkness, underground, hidden- always afraid that someone will discover who I truly am and bar me from serving Christ's Church. I live in the closet because I can not make the choice that this diocese in the Episcopal Church is asking me to make: I can not choose between my priestly vocation and my Spouse. Both are gifts that God has given me- gifts for which I offer thanksgivings to God daily. Both of these gifts help me live out my baptismal promises and both aid me in my journey towards the holy life in God.

I am proud that the General Convention of the Episcopal Church- and many Bishops of this Church- have found the courage to be Prophets for Justice- both in the Church and in the world- and are bold to proclaim that all baptized people have been made new creations in Christ and have become members of the Body of Christ- no matter one's gender, race, or sexual orientation. I am proud of the Episcopal Church for taking the steps it has taken to bear witness to the inclusive love of God in Christ Jesus. I am filled with joy when I ponder the events of the last few years: we have a partnered gay bishop and several dioceses have made steps to attend to the pastoral needs of gays and lesbians. Many of those dioceses provide for the blessing of the unions of faithful gay couples. Many welcome the ministry of gay laity and clergy and celebrate the gifts they bring to the Body of Christ. I am elated to witness the inbreaking of God's Kingdom within these dioceses. And yet, at the same time my heart is filled with sorrow- as I sit here in the darkness, hidden, almost alone, longing for my own liberation and for the liberation of other gays and lesbians who are faithfully serving Christ in the closet of this diocese.

I believe I am here because God has called me to be here- at least for now. I have family situations which require me to be in this particular geographical location- and I am grateful that God called me to a place that keeps me near my family. Yet, I wish I could be under the protection of a bishop who respected me and affirmed me as the priest God has called me to be. I wish I could live openly with my husband in the parish. I wish we could share our gifts together in a supportive community of faith. For now, I trust God and I remain faithful.

I created this blog in order to give me an opportunity to share my experience as a gay priest in a diocese that has chosen to reject Christ's call to share the love of God with all, and has chosen not to be faithful to the promises made in the Baptismal Covenant. I write to give voice to others who are silent and mute; I write in solidarity with all others who have been rejected and cast aside by the Church; I write with cries for liberation and justice- and with a deep longing to join the other birds who are flying home.